Welcome Tom Iansek

don't forget.

I remember being the prophet boy, I remember not letting my teachers down, 4.0 four years in a row. I remember getting my first -A. I remember my first kiss. I remember how we made a mistake, I remember how that changed everything I remember when I started missing church. I remember when I started averaging 50 missed periods a term. I remember still holding a 3.7 gpa, and for some reason being proud of that.  I remember my testimony and it walking out the door. I remember going to my graduation. I remember college. I remember her leaving me, I remember crying, My face had been dry for awhile. I remember her coming back.things would never be the same but I remember getting married. I remember our first kid. I remember the interview, I remember my job, I remember the desk and the clock. I remember my 5 kids. I remember going grey. I remember finding him at the bottom of a cliff half dead and the other half of him wishing he was. I remember that forever. I remember cancer. I remember my mother and fathers grave only with mine right beside them. I remember death. I remember it. I remember god now. I remember all the mistakes. I remember the carrots. I remember loving life. I remember my kids. I remember everything being alright in the end and that's really the only thing keeping me from hell.

THANKS FOR ALL THE OLD FOLKS

Let's not live,
"I woke up,
I'm so old,
I couldn't believe it,
Some never love,
Until the day they drop dead."

simply sleeping

I fell asleep in the woods and a small squirrel joined me,  he touched me softer then you do and he didn't leave me drenched in blood.

Confused

Fuck you nelson.... how do you expect us to write about death when its happening in our school. writing about death wasn't suppose to be real. This week wasn't suppose to be real. your lesson wasn't suppose to actually come to life. Excuse me for the language I just don't know who's next and I just don't want a box of tapes to show up on my porch. I saw his brother talk and I heard what he had to say and even though he knows god is real he is still questioning if his brother will still be there. I would to.

 11 times. there have been 11 times that 11 of my friends have almost taken there lives. thanks for talking with me first.

Dear mom, I love you don't kill yourself. I LOVE YOU

Dear dad, don't kill yourself. I love you

Dear brother brother sister sister, don't kill yourself I love you.

Dear girl I like, don't kill yourself I love you

Dear friends 1-20, don't kill yourself  I love you

Dear Acquaintances, and people I've never met. don't kill yourself I love you

Dear self..... "remember to not hate yourself so much" somebody loves you don't kill yourself.

Dear entire world I love you.

I didn't want to write this post tonight and it was hell, so sorry for the bad introduction.

P.S.
   R.I.P Hunter. I. Love. You.

Devils Snare (calm down its just a jumbled mess)

                       I'm scared of not playing an instrument.
 How can you hear me if I still don't know all the keys.
 I tried to open up your heart but the door was locked.
 It may be past closing time but I still know how to get in from the roof.
                                                           You forgot to delete your mistakes.
                                       I just remembered you're a better liar then most.
      I told the truth once but I just ended up paying a few hundred dollars.
Things cost to much when your rich.
 A homeless man just asked for a dollar and all you could say is "he's just going to buy drugs" when you are the one that brought up getting high.
                                   my friends tried drugs.
                                        I'm scared of drugs.
                           

This isn't meant to be poetic i'm really just saying im sorry.

I'm sorry I've been a tourist.
I use to live in Paris.
I wrote until ink was all over my walls.
There wasn't just one accident.
Lots of things happened.
I left Paris.
I'm Sorry.
I'm trying to get back.
It's hard to find the time.
I have 5 notebooks a blog and a life.
How do you expect me to keep them all.
I'm sorry I'm just a tourist.
I've wrote all my post just before midnight on Sunday.
My creative writing notebook looks like its barley been opened.
Please give me a second chance that's all i'm saying.
once again i'm sorry.
ill go back to my old ways or at least ill try.
I'm sorry.
-Tom Iansek.....

Just teach me to go fishing dad

I'm just trying to explain my hearts names

Its called impressing everyone. Its called playing the right

 song at the right TIME. Its called TIME wont ever stop

 but the world just might. they said TIME stops when

 you fall in love but that's not true cause my 

physics assignments are still late. Its called they 

would have got done 

on TIME but I brought you flowers instead.

 Its called forgetting to put an egg in and how no
recipe ever tasted better. Its called I joked with her
 to much and she took it serious to much and now
 I  will always be a mark on her skin and I will
 never forget how that made me feel. Its called
 the playground bully is real. Its called running
 between the swings and if you were at the same
 height you could be married so quickly. So simple.

 

 Its called I've never actually killed two birds with 

one stone or one bird with one stone and I've never 

seen a bird get up early enough to catch the worm.

 It's called nelson was right, vanilla will never let

 you down but cranberry apple M&M just might.

 Its called I could never explain to you what ame

 my heart will respond to but at least I tried my

 best cause it beats over 100,000 times a day and 

not once did I tell him to. If he would just listen

 to me maybe he would of never got broken

Robots and Questions and Robots with Questions

Please push play and then read along I don't know how well this will work but its different (idk if it works on phones sorry)

If the glass is half empty or half full were all going to die anyways? How can I sit here and smile when she is at home crying… it doesn't seem right.  How can you say you believe in god when you just bought a $60,000 car and your “savior” was homeless? I heard you say you broke up with her but you never told me that you broke her heart and I don’t know if you realize that’s the same thing. 

 I may have broken a few hearts myself but at least I did my best to glue them back together. How come I was never warned about girls, I was always told boys were the bad one but that’s not true. How come? How come my parents have always loved me but I can still be sad? How come anyone gives a shit about the new IPhone when there are kids that can only afford to give a shit about where there next meal will come from? Why can I only chew a piece of gum for 10 minutes? Why doesn’t china come for their money? What are the wonders of the world? And how do I show you that I actually do love you?............

 I don’t know the answers to these questions for I am just a robot for I am just tom Iansek

Things that matter more to me then they do to you. (extra 5)

Ice cream cones, silence, the way that she smiles, the different flavors of Burt bees chap sticks. every flower in the world especially daisy's, 

chocolate milk and I cant remember why, the fact my sister made me a blanket, Chipoltle but not because I've never eaten there. Hairspray and screw drivers. Swings. Storage units, the smell and taste and look of cantaloupe. Fishing (I've never been.) 200 foot cliffs. Macaroni and tomato juice with diced cheese, hmm diced cheese. the seat closest to the window but also closest to my mom. chewing gum loudly. Wisconsin, Boston, and Chicago, twitter. drinking fountains, Germany and how they were my brothers favorite team before they were mine, tramp game, sour gummy worms. easy bake ovens, the colors black blue and white. oh and dark grey. Each one of these things mean something to me but you may never know why.

Mirrors

I use to be scared of mirrors, every time I would see my reflection in a puddle I would look away every time they would group us for a picture I would say sorry I have to go to the bathroom, every time my phone turned off and the black screen would reflect nothing but my face I was forced to throw it on the ground. BUT HELL CHANGED ALL THAT, after going to hell I could smile, the Devil took my hands and melted my fingers into crayons so I could finally color outside of the lines,

 the devil was nicer than I imagined, greeting me with a blanket and a kiss, but it wasn't him that changed me it was my journey of escape. I learned you can never trust the quite ones and the loud ones just the same. I learned every step is forward and there is no going back, and I learned that even the devils smile could make a little boy cheer. I learned the only way to escape was to get a grappling hook and wrap it around my heart, so I did and I pulled and pulled till the rope snapped but i was able to grab onto a ledge and go from there. I also learned my mommy loves me but my friends dont. I learned that even though he killed himself he's not in the dark. 

I learned that no matter how much I write about her she wont write back, I learned that dreams are a fight between god, man, and the devil. I learned the reason my pen doesn't run out of ink is cause its connected to my heart through a stream of blood I learned I needed to move in slow motion if I wanted to dodge a arrow. I learned that the mirror that I was once afraid of got shattered by my soul, Hell saved me, so take a journey with the devil and maybe he can save you too.

She's a Brick and I'm Drowning Slowly

I use to make bricks out of mud in the third grade, they would harden over night and I don't know why I remember that but I do, we made enough bricks to build a small school the entire baseball field had no dirt left and maybe that's why I never liked the sport. My house is the color brick and i still don't know if that's brown or red but I do know its the place where I first saw my grandpa he wasn't real but he was smoking a pipe and I really do believe in ghosts, Ghost are real.... He wasn't the first fake real thing I've ever met but that doesn't makes sense. 

My school is made of bricks and so is my church. I don't know many other things about bricks but I do know she's built enough walls between us to re build the twin towers, and I don't want to see them get knocked down again. Bricks use Barium Carbonate to control efflorescence....
 and that's real, don't ask me what that means I had to look it up

 I know bricks are real but so is she, she's real every time she smiles, she's real every time she plays with her food, every time she coughs or hits her head on my car ceiling, She's real when she's walking to her doorstep, and every time I play a song and she knows its about her.  When she cries and when she can't stop laughing, I know she's real cause she wants me to write about her and I think its about time cause she has wrote me a few books I just don't know what to say cause only sad things come to mind. She's nothing like a brick and that makes no sense because as far as I know there both real and they both have to potential to kill. I haven't made a brick sense those times in the third grade but I think i am going to be an architect now so I could build you a whole city out of the brown and red rocks and I will make sure that you know that the only thing that's real is when I say I built it all for you.

Do I Look Suspicious?

Closets aren't just for gay people so make     room, closets are for the people who are to scared to go out of the bathroom during lunch, there for bench warmers and the kid that never gets the ball,  Closets are for every cut she carved into her body, there for hiding the best cereals on the top shelf, there for church goers and party goers but mostly for the people that do both. Closets are for the nerds and for the try to be jocks, the try to be hipsters and the try to be anybody's cause they still haven't figured out that no matter what you try to be you will still be human, and god will still judge you the same. Closets are for the monsters that aren't under your bed.

 There for dead people and how a casket is the last closet that you will never be able to get out of. Closets are for the timeout chair, and for coat hangers and for the jackets that she took, there for shoving your entire room into so you can hang out, Closets are for the blind, for the insomniacs and the ones that are actually homosexual. there for the bruised hearts yet beautiful skinned, there for everything that the poor kids can't afford, there for old books and for old trophies and for old pictures, there for worn down shoes cause the new ones stay next to your bed, there for the underwear drawer and how I've never actually hid something there,

 Closets are for the audio tapes and and if your old enough or a "try to be" then there for the records and the record players, There for the sit by yourself at EVERYTHING kids, there for the Single men and women above the age of 50, there for the bald at 19,  CLOSETS ARE FOR EVERY PERSON THAT'S EVER CRIED, There for the Black people in the 1800's there for the Black people in the 1900's and there for Black People now,

There for the dead flowers and for the flowers he never gave her, there for the burned out light bulbs, there for the last cigarette in the pack, there for the all star hide and go seek players, there for abused children and for the harry potters, Closets are for the sleeping pills for the anxiety pills and for the ADHD pills, and how everyone in my life seems to be taking some sort of pill that I never got, some sort of pill that makes you happier some sort of pill that makes you giggle a type of pill that ripped of the hinges off your closet door and flings it open and shows you that the world is full of people and each one is stuck in a closet and how its actually sunny outside and how people actually do smile back, and how nobody cares if you got a stain on your favorite t-shirt.

Flipping a coin

LOVE HAS KILLED ONE TO MANY MARRIAGES SO WHY WOULD I GIVE A SHIT WRITING ABOUT IT....

 I just thank the lord my parents are still on the same side

  

Human or Android

I never once thought I was a robot, I've thought I was dead, I've thought I was a nobody, I've also thought I was a somebody,  I've even thought I was the star of the Truman show and that everyone else is actors, and that's why they're all fake. I want my hair to grow out long enough so every cancer patient in the world can have a piece, I also want them to cut it all off and burn there wigs cause if they think for one second that there less pretty because god put to many cells in a part of there body then THEY ARE WRONG... they are beautiful..... They are humans too.

 I know I'm human because my flesh is sitting at 98.6 degrees just like everyone else and if it goes any higher my mother gets scared. like I've said I've never thought I was a robot but that's cause I've never thought about it maybe I am I don't know, maybe if I had heart surgery and they opened my chest, they could assure me one way or the other. But maybe I am just made of wires cause I've prayed to the same god as everyone around me for 17 years and maybe the reason he never prayed back is cause who listens to a robot.

 I'm human cause the amount of times I've sworn adds up to infinity and what good is it for a robot to say such words. I know i'm human because I would cry every time my brother said mean things, but he moved a way a long time ago and its been awhile since I last cried so maybe my bones are turning into tin? I DON'T KNOW? the doctors say i'm human cause every time i get a check up they say i'm healthy but I DON'T KNOW? maybe the reason I understand chemistry in school but not the chemistry between you and me is because when they put together my brain they computed the equation of love wrong, Love=Love not Love=10010101110 cause although i'm a robot I don't speak binary. I know i'm human because If i weren't I wouldn't care to ask the question of what I am?

Because of you.

Because of you I've never said the F word and I don't plan to, I've never takin a car on the road without breaking a traffic violation. I've never sniffed a rose and thought it smelled good, I've never kissed a girl that I've actually liked, because of you I've never gone to church without thinking about what we've done. Because of you I've never made a game winning shot, I've never been to Alaska,

 I've never won a lottery, and I've never tasted pure gold

 because of you I cant text the girl I like, because of you my pencil only writes in grey, my legs wont move in my dreams, my eyes wont close, and my hands keep flailing. Because of you my feet feel like dust, because of you my heart is a stone. Because of you I've never seen god, because of you my car broke down, my family broke down and my body broke down. Because of you I've said i'm sorry way to many times, I've never flown a plane, and I've never been comfortable with my parents. Because of you I will never know what it is like to have a smile that's real. Because of you I wrote this poem because of you I have never had a best friend. Because of you I will die and probably be alone, because of you I cant say my own name without a studded. Because of you the only way anyone could get to my heart now is if they got a grappling hook and shot it through my chest and ripped it out.

THE MEN WHO CLIMBED EVEREST TWICE

I'm Writing about how I always liked color pencils better then crayons, I'm writing about how the stars looked the same today as they did in kindergarten just now I can finally point out the constellations. I'm writing about how when she died not only did her heart stop working but so did my dads,

 I'm writing about how that's unfair. I'm writing about the weather and how I appreciate the rain even more then the sun. I'm writing about daisy's not only because there the whitest flower but because they're your favorite. I'm writing about when love could only be described as what you're mother felt for you. I'm writing about how my teeth weren't straight and about how I didn't care. I'm Writing about the times I got pajamas for Christmas and how if i wanted to smell good I would just roll in the grass.  I'm writing about hell and about heaven and how even though I didn't know what either one was I believed in both, and now I'm just struggling to believe in humanity. I'm writing about the Dentist and how he was much kinder as a kid and how now he only talks if my parents come in. Im Writing about how I used to cry about everything and it slowly became unacceptable but I couldn't help it. I'm writing about my testimony and how it was supposed to get stronger but it just got weaker as I grew older. I'm writing about how lone peak is the only school where everyone knows what a testimony is. I'm writing about my note book and your notebook and even though you bought it for just 2.99, let me know when you're finished writing and i will pay you enough goldfish to feed our entire kindergarten class.

 I'm writing cause i'm bitter. I'm writing for the time I scraped my knee and my mom kissed it better and it still hurt and it was still bleeding. I'm writing for that time I scraped my heart and you tried to kiss it better and put a band aid on but it didn't work it just covered up my lungs so I stopped breathing. I'm writing on my computer because my pen ran out of ink and it has spell check. I'm writing for the girl that I stayed up all night thinking about. I'm writing for my fingers to tell them thank you and to tell them without you I would't be able to feel alive. I'm writing for all the Jane Doe's John Doe's and all the Doe's that have been shot and even though I've never actually been hunting I've shot a gun and I've killed some spiders. I'm writing for the boy that killed himself and even though I don't know what weapon he used, I still know he was braver then me.

Alaska

Because of you I took a walk through the park, and when I looked to my left I would see kids playing in the sun smiling because they knew that in the morning of the next day they would get a bowl of fruit loops. and to the right you were standing there holding my hand ever so slightly as if it was an egg that held your entire future, we walked until the sun went down but we didn't care because all of the light we needed existed in our palms. 

Your hair turned into wings that took us to Alaska, where all of our thoughts about each other froze in the cold breeze, we made snow angles and I smiled because our hearts were beating so hard that they broke our ribs and left our chest to create a kingdom together. 

We were acting so childish that we decided to dig through the earth to china and we did just that we were greeted by the emperor and he made us promise to keep the taste of love close to us at all times. The story goes on and on and to write a summary and what its about......?

 Well It's about a girl that made a boy so happy he took her to every corner of the earth, he gave her his heart he gave her his money and he gave her his love, he made her a princess, he made her everything she dreamed of and the only thing he asked for is that she would smile cause at the end of the day that is all he cares about he sold his smile to god and made him promise to give it to her So she could keep it until the day she is laying in her grave.

Take a Turn on The Typewriter

I don't know which opening line to use for my opening post on my first blog 

 on the first day of my career so I wrote you a few....

I think the first line is always scarier then the dark, the first post compares to spiders

 and the rest is just the fear of tripping. My note book is for me, my Journal is for you,

 and this blog is for us. Hi I am writing this blog now because I spent 17 years

 without it.  I have had a crush on her since 4th grade and I think she forgot

 my name in 8th. Let me introduce you to my heart, he would talk to you if he 

could but he's to busy keeping me alive, your going to need to make

 an appointment if you want to know what he sounds like. I think my brain is getting jealous of
 him because I never seem to write about how my mind makes me feel, when really he is doing

 all the work and my heart doesn't do ANYTHING in the department of my feelings,

 but I think my eyes deserve some credit too because everyone is always judging them.
What happened to my juice box, my coloring book, and my moms smile? I looked in my mailbox today and there's a note that is addressed to you but I know I didn't write it, I must of been asleep. There tends to be more wars over religion then there is over power.

I think that is enough for now but how do I end, because no matter what I say, even if you like it, I wont hear an applause cause this is just a blog and I am just Tom Iansek a person behind a person, so I am not going to get any pats on the back I am not going to get any wow that was really good and my mom wont even be able to put it on the fridge because what if you come over and see it. Should I just say thanks for reading have a good day, but that would be lying cause I really don't care about how you day goes, should I end with a deep thought? I could even end with a prayer cause dear lord I keep writing and nothing seems to get better. I don't know if I am in Utah or if I am in Paris, I am probably just on the plane to get there and I am really hoping I don't get shot down because I am really looking forward to spending my whole life entangled in the metal construction of the Eiffel tower.